My Christmas–the real truth exposed

Well, I’m now back at my house in London, having driven back today from the North East. I am now  free of the domineering and bullying influences of my family and my captor and can reveal the truth. Read on dear listener for the shocking exposure of the real Christmas I endured.

Firstly though, I need to explain how / why I am back here.

THE HOW

The how is easy, I got in my car and drove! All 290 or so miles. I decided to drive from Horsley via the A68 rather than via the A1M. Driving down the A68 took me near my parents house, so I called them and arranged to see them for a quick cuppa on the way. This of course delayed me for sometime, but did enable me to enjoy the delights of Bishop Auckland’s new football ground and the adjacent Sainsbury’s supermarket. Its an interesting place, being adjacent to a large Tesco as well. If nothing else there are thousands of car parking places near the football ground!

From there I drove the remaining 220 or so miles back to London whilst listening to the bank holiday football matches on the radio. A strange journey, driving back to an empty house and work in the morning after nearly 2 weeks off work.

The only good thing to come from the return to London is that I have actually got my finger out and put away all my clothes and other apparel I had taken to the North East.

THE WHY

I could say that I am back here because Michelle has had enough of me hogging HER sofa and taking control of the TV remote. I could also say she objected to me asking her to turn off her radio so I could listen to the football on the internet.

I could say all of the above, but I’m not brave enough.

So instead, I’ll blame it on the eviction order that Michelle’s two dogs got against me. apparently they objected to me sharing their doghouse any longer.

Tom 008Tom 017

My fellow residents in the dog house

NOW THE REAL TRUTH ABOUT MY CHRISTMAS

Well firstly, I’m sure some of you may have thought I had a good Christmas and got lots of nice presents. Well the truth will shock you.

Firstly- the luxury food I have described Michelle as cooking. Does sausage, egg and chips sound luxurious? Yes, this is what I was greeted with when I arrived on 23rd December. Killing the fatted calf? not exactly – they were pork sausages, so it was the fatted pig silly. I have to say, sausages were Sainsbury’s finest pork and caramelized red onion ones, the eggs were Matfen free range eggs and the chips were unbelievable- they were Sainsbury’s finest oven chips and are definitely recommended. The nicest sausage eggs and chips I’ve had outside of East Ham / Hornchurch (well, I’ve got to creep to Diane or I might not get invited round again)

I came up to the North East to spend quality time with my family and with Michelle and her family. So Christmas Day with my family what happened? Well, we all managed to find different rooms in the house to watch TV. The only time we nearly had a full gathering was to watch HM The Queen deliver her address to the Nation. Obviously all the pigs’ snouts were in the same trough at feeding time.

Quality time with Michelle, consisted of shopping, not just any shopping but a daily visit to at least one and usually more of the supermarkets in the area. We managed Sainsbury’s, Tesco’s, Netto, Spar, Aldi, Lidl and the local corner shop. That was just in one afternoon. The rest of the time I was either forced to do washing up to earn my keep or drugged with alcohol to keep me quiet. As for washing up, how does one lady manage to make so much washing up?

Alcohol! Now if you read some of my previous posts,  you may have been under the impression I enjoyed drinking lots of alcohol. I can reveal now that I am alone, that I was forced against my will to drink copious quantities of rather good red wines, delicious Oyster Bay white wine, rather nice port, several  bottles of baileys, numerous pint glasses of vodka and wash it all down with bottles of Stella. As I am sure you realised by reading between the lines in the earlier posts, this was all against my will. Indeed I did try to protest and ask for a nice cup of tea instead, but my fear forced me to say wine/ vodka etc. instead of tea.

Some of you may think that Christmas was a time of laughter for me. it was a time of hysteria. I have never laughed so much. Indeed I think I have broken a rib from sneezing whilst having a hysterical laughing fit. I wanted to say i broke a rib when I was punished for being too slow to fetch Michelle a refill for her empty wine glass, but she told me if I said that, she would break the rest of my ribs.

I must say I got lots of great presents from my family this Christmas. Literally, I MUST say that or else I may get cut out of my parents will. I mean, who could not be delighted to get a chocolate fireguard or a 2010 calendar featuring cats (yes 2010!)? Actually this year I didn’t get any unwanted presents, in fact I didn’t get any presents!

Seriously, I got some great presents this year, including, cameras, DVDs, drink more drink, a fantastic DVD set of porridge AND a DVD of the Toon beating the Mackems. Even the potato peeler and oven cleaner were accepted in the spirit of the p*sstake they were given.

Now, I know that some of you may now be wondering what actually happened at my Christmas break and what the real truth is. Well how the heck would I know, I was too drunk to remember it!

Writing this today has been hard as I’m suffering the DTs and am going cold turkey from the drink I had to drink this holiday.

Tomorrow, its back to work, back to cycling and the diet starts immediately. I am looking forward to all three of these. They are all needed, and I can try out my head cam tomorrow on my ride to work. Watch for footage on here over the next few weeks.

Take care and thanks for reading

 

PS Michelle – please forgive me. I can’t take more beatings (well I can, but that’s a matter for the bedroom not for this blog Winking smile )