I’ve Got A Stalker

As the title says! Events of the last few weeks culminated in my realising I’m being stalked. I should have realised earlier, but that is the thing about stalkers, they are good at stopping you realising what they are actually doing.

Tonight after work, I was minding my own business cycling round Hyde Park thinking about spending the next week or so off work and with Michelle, when out of no where she appeared. My stalker forced me to stop my cycling and confront the effects of her appearance

Yes, despite my taking precautions to prevent her getting to me, the p*nct*re fairy got me again. She has been stalking me for many years, but has become more active and vindictive over the last few weeks.


This morning I fitted one of the new tyres I had purchased. These are Continental Gator Hardshell and are said to be extra p*nct*re resistant. So, what happened?

Well after much cursing, I examined the new tyre I had fitted and found not a single mark on the tyre. There was nothing that had penetrated  the tyre. Next was to check the inner tube to find the leak. The valve is often the cause of problems, but not in this case. After re-inflating the inner tube, I found the hole. It seemed to be in the same place as the last inner tube that p*nct*red. I then examined the rim of the wheel to see if there was anything sharp on it that could cause a p*nc*re. Nothing appeared there, so what next? Well, a close examination of the liner that goes on the inside of the rim revealed it had moved very slightly, exposing a small piece of metal that was apparently sharp enough to p*nc*re the inner tube.

Right, that was the problem diagnosed, now how to fix it. Well I have new lining tape back at home so can use this when I get home. In the meantime, I got 2 patches from my p*nct*re repair kit and stuck them over the exposed metal to protect the inner tube from it. I then replaced the tyre and inner tube on the wheel rim.

I then continued my ride and got home with no further problems. Another 28 miles tonight making a total of 53 for today. I didn’t ride on Tuesday, but in 2 days (Monday and today Wednesday) I have managed to ride over 100 miles. I’ve done a total of over 600 miles in 2 1/2 weeks.

Some of you may think I have a thing about the p*nct*re fairy. Well, you’d be right, but I’m not the only one. See this extract from the blog by Nutty Cyclist written some time ago. The blog seems not to have been updated for around six years now.

The Pun*ture fairy. What is it? It is a sprite which attacks cyclists with the sole intention of ruining a ride and causing annoyance and inconvenience.

There are many types of Pun*ture fairy. After I have been afflicted by their attentions I tend to refer to them all by the anagram of their name; they really are “Pure ****s”!!!!!

So what weapons do these critters have at their disposal? Well the “Litter Louts” and “Geologists” are pretty obvious, some of the others are less obvious. The one weapon all fairies have, and which you will find if you look carefully enough is their fairy fingernails. I would recommend that as soon as you finish reading this you go and examine your tyres. You will find evidence that these critters have been grabbing at them, and if you are lucky you will find the odd torn off fingernail embedded in your tyre. If you are lucky enough to find it, REMOVE IT NOW! Even once removed from the fairy these fingernails retain their mystical powers and slowly work their way inwards towards your inner tube. If you don’t remove them now you can suffer a pun*ture weeks after the initial attack!

So what time of the day do these fairies appear? Well that is a great unknown. Different fairies seem to appear at different times. Some love the peace and quiet of a dark overnight garage. Some are attracted to a cyclist in a rush. Many appear to enjoy the rain as that is when many cyclists are targeted; whether they use the rain for hygiene purposes, weapons lubricant or simply for the discomfort shown on the cyclists face I really don’t know. …

What do they look like? I’m afraid that despite many long hours sat by the bike uttering the magic word that summons the fairy controller, when I should have been doing other urgent work, I have not yet met one of these creatures (they visited the car on that day). The Photo above is actually obtained courtesy of a friendly fairy who sits in the garden.

How do you summon them? It all depends on the fairy type you want a visit from. One guaranteed method is to utter the P word; especially if you are out, have no repair kit and utter the P word in the context of “It’s ages since I had a P******e… psssssst….. Blast!”

How do you repel them? There is no guaranteed method unfortunately. No tyre is fully exempt (other than solid tyres). I recommend ALWAYS carrying a full repair kit. This discourages them from spending too much effort on you. Always avoid known haunts such as potholes and Sustrans paths. Always keep your tyres inflated hard. Be extra vigilant in the rain and wet. Avoid the P word.

So as you can see, I’m not the only one obsessed with her.

Well, I am not going to be riding my bike much if at all over the next few days as I am spending some time with Michelle, Josh and the dogs. They are all coming down to London to spend Easter with me. I have the next week and a half off work and intend to spend some quality time with them. I’ve not seen Michelle for the last 3 weekends and it has been a long 3 weeks. Too long – in fact I’ve not seen Michelle since long before her birthday. That is not right. 

I screwed up on booking train ticket and won’t let it be as long next time. I promise you that Michelle

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