How the Other Half Lives

There are some things in life that everybody should see at least once – Newcastle winning something? Well that’s not going to happen is it?

On Sunday gone, you will recall that I had Michelle, Josh and Michelle’s parents down to stay. So for a treat on Sunday morning I introduced Keith & Elizabeth to the joys of Dagenham Sunday Market. You may recall that back in February I had taken Michelle & Josh there.

It is a sight to see. It actually is a decent market, but the people are a study in a life form that only seems to exist on large council estates. Lots of tattoos on show from the women,and its compulsory to have a dog with you – a pit bull!

The women are most certainly not ladies. It seems to be compulsory for them to be wearing clothing several sizes to small, tattoos on show, smoking and shouting and swearing at the kids, Chardonnay, Chablis, Pinot Grigiot and Brandy-snaps.

The market is situated on derelict land that used to be a power station. It is a modern market, not a historic charter in sight. The car park is full of souped up ford Escorts, cars with too much bling in the form of body kit and the compulsory Chelsea Tractors.

The first stall we saw was selling dog beds and seemed to do a line in money laundering if you take the sign on the stall literally. I am presuming that East End criminal types keep their

money in the covers and think money laundering is putting £10 notes in the washing machine.

Next up was the stall selling dog leads. Not for the Essex chavs are ordinary leads. They need leather harnesses and lots of studs for their pit bulls.

I told you Essex was a classy place.

Nearby was a stall selling an odd assortment of items; jeans, sandals, boots, duvets and football blankets. The prices appear to be a bargain. The big sign at the top of the stall says everything is £5. Cheap as chips? Well, lets look again at the small print on the sign…

… Hmm, the exclusions on the sign seem to cover everything the stall sells. So what item is £5 I was unable to tell. Don’t believe me, well have a look at what is on the stall.

Anyway, lets continue the tour. Did I say that there were some rather large people at the market? Well just round the corner from the £5 stall was a clothing stall for the larger person.

SEVEN XL? I’ve seen smaller marquees than that.

Now, obviously shopping at a market is rather hunger inducing. What you need is some food cooked to perfection. How about a salmonella burger?

Where else but Essex would people call a greasy burger stall “Cooked to Perfection”. Notice the queue for the stall, and this was at 0930 in the morning. Heston Blumenthal eat your heat out.

If burgers aren’t your thing early on a Sunday, then how about Jerk Chicken or Goat Curry?

Good traditional East End food isn’t it?

A Moses basket for your little Chardonnay perhaps?

Or how about a nice subtle bikini for your loved one?

Burberry check is so classy isn’t it?

Then it was onto yet another stall selling dog harnesses

Actually, I am wondering with hindsight if this isn’t an S&M stall, not a dog lead stall. Especially after looking at the next two pictures.

Leather & Studs make me think its not for the dog after all.

You’ve all seen “The Only Way is Essex”, well I think its here the females come for their clothing. Expect the following ensemble to appear in the next series being sported by all the ladies females.

By Essex standards its so classy as only one nipple is on show at any time.

The females are already classily dressed at Dagenham Market. Dressing demurely is the order of the day.

Then its back to more food and the delights of FRESHLY FRYED CHIPS. Are these anything like freshly fried chips?

If not chips, then you could have the bacon, egg, sausage, mushroom & onions in a single bun. Good for the diet I believe. Its not easy this shopping lark. You need to keep up your energies.

Now what about a personalised dummy holder for little Chardonnay?

Now, places like Dagenham are very patriotic and love the Royal Family, so it was no surprise to find a stall selling merchandise for the forthcoming nuptials of Prince William and Catherine Middleton.

Who wouldn’t want a flag with the pictures of William and Catherine on it?

Then finally as we were about to leave the market, I saw this lady who in past times would have been in the circus as the painted lady. Aren’t her tattoos just divine? No? They are bloody hideous.

Then I realised what she was wearing. Its stylish isn’t it?

So there you go, a look at life in Dagenham